I am always very impressed when I hear stories of forty and fifty-year-old friendships, even more telling when these are associated with your soul mate or muse. These are rare gifts, indeed, in the conglomeration of artificial associations that define the Internet Age. Two examples: Alex Katz (b. 1927) is an American figurative artist. His oeuvre is defined by many movements – including painting, print and sculpture. He and his inspiration, Ada, married in 1958; they have a son, Vincent. In the early 1960s, influenced by the proliferation of the electronic or mass media, Katz began large-scale paintings, often with dramatically cropped faces. Ada has been the subject of over 250 portraits throughout his lifetime. She has supported and guided his career. Conversely, Anna Nicole Smith (1967-2007) dropped out of high school at age 15 and was married three years later. Her highly publicized second marriage to J. Howard Marshall resulted in speculation that she married the old man mainly for his money; he was 89 at the time of his marriage. Which relationship (friendship) would one want to have?
One thing that most adults (those born before generation Y) have never experienced, or perhaps even thought of, is an “age of everything,” when anything that you can think of is accessible to some extent: from extreme beauty to base desires. This has broadened the definition of what is friendship. Facebook has further delineated emotional attachments: like? Little of this, however, has to do with real tenderness or warmth. Have we stumbled into an epoch of “virtual closeness?” similar to “Second Life?” (1) The Age of Loneliness is Killing Us by George Monbiot gives us pause: “When Thomas Hobbes (2) claimed that in the state of nature, before authority arose to keep us in check, we were engaged in a war ‘of every man against every man,’ he could not have been more wrong. We were social creatures from the start, mammalian bees, who depended entirely on each other. The hominins of east Africa (3) could not have survived one night alone. We are shaped, to a greater extent than almost any other species, by contact with others. The age we are entering, in which we exist apart, is unlike any that has gone before. … That loneliness has become an epidemic among young adults.”
Given that we are aware of this danger, as young people, we must be proactive. Firstly, I must acknowledge the beauty of my own life, no matter how desperate my circumstances are at the moment. I must stay the course until the end of my natural life: suicide is not an option. Once you are dead, you are dead. As our corporate lawyer used to say to me, “You cannot control your life from the grave!” Secondly, look for an organization you can join and contribute to. There are numerous online clubs that link you to a group that mirrors your interests. Finally, volunteer: “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main,” to quote the poet and clergyman John Donne (1572-1631). Donating your time is a humbling and edifying experience. There are many suffering people who need our help. We are often called upon to acknowledge how fortunate we are: to express gratitude for our life, no matter how humble it may appear. See yourself as an example to others. These three suggestions, plus a multitude of others, will assist us in the pursuit of friendship. Father Henri J. M. Nouwen (1932-1996) leaves us with a thought: When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives meant the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
A small joke: There was a swimming champion on HMS Titanic; he was very confident that he could survive the sinking of the great ship. “How far is the nearest land?” he asked the ship’s First Officer. “It is about four kilometers,” the official replied. “Great!” the man stated. “I can make it: in which direction?” “Straight down,” was the laconic answer.
This week, please reflect on the necessity of friendship to our mental well-being.
Every day look for something magical and beautiful.
Quote: Grand friendships are like vintage wine: they mature gracefully.
Footnotes:
1) Second Life is an online virtual world.
3) The earliest known modern human fossils are from Ethiopia.