Warmth and tenderness

We all need warmth and tenderness. It is the lotion that oils our emotional joints and makes us more psychologically supple and sensitive to the vagaries of life. How many times do we wonder whether those broken souls who reside in the hidden creases of buildings or lying prostrate in an underground pedestrian tunnel are simply devoid of love?

There have been numerous studies of orphaned children in large hospital-like institutions. (1) The infants in these investigations were cleaned, clothed, and nutritiously fed. In a plethora of circumstances, there were many youngsters and only a small number of staff. A large percentage of the newborns often died. Why — what was the main reason? Conventional thinking seemed to defy an answer. It was subsequently found that the children had died due to a lack of touch – a dearth of physical tenderness. Our touch seemingly emanates from something as simple as a greeting.

In Western culture, we are taught to have a firm handshake – not too weak and, conversely, not too overly crushing or aggressive. You should have one that suggests your demeanor and personal strength – your distinctive brand if you will. When I was young, you could not shake the hand of a woman first. You had to wait until she proffered hers. (2) Though some traditionalists disagree, today most women and men shake hands equally, either can initiate a physical welcome. Usually, the person to proffer a hand first claims more power. This form of human contact continues to grow. We must, of course, develop our own style.

I recently had an experience that I found deeply moving. I go to a local convenience store to have lunch and work on my homework. The store has a large table that I use to spread out my notes. Sometimes if I arrive late, however, it is occupied by a flower salesman. I use this term loosely because, in reality, he is a destitute, maybe homeless, man who sells floral arrangements at a stoplight. I have noticed him for many years and he has confronted me several times over trivial things. Once, he couldn’t pass by my parked motocha for he felt it was too close to another, for example. I was quite startled when he shouted in anger.

On this particular day, there was a two-for-one special on chocolates. If you bought one box, the second one was free. Not needing two boxes, I placed one on his table as I went to sit down. He caught my eye and studied me for a moment. What was my parasitic intent? Finding none, he broke into a broad crooked-toothed smile. I felt quite embarrassed for, at best, I was expecting a desultory response. Now every time he sees me, he vocally expresses a salutation. I surmise that no one has ever given this man a gift in his life, and I did it without thought, thus claiming no moral high ground. I remind myself that we should try to be kind and decent to all – everyone needs love and tenderness. A passage from First Corinthians (3) leaves us with a thought:

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

A closing thought: Warmth and tenderness must surely segue into decency and respect. If we begin to critically reflect and realize that most of us are all just frail human beings trying to live decent lives, we will be less inclined to the traditional vices and more subject to her virtues. Life is fickle and there is no guarantee at the beginning of its journey that success, whatever that means to each of us, will be our bedfellow in later life. We must simply aspire to excellence and accept the judgment that will be the result. (Parts of this essay were first published in 2021)

To sum up: This week, we spoke about kindness and tenderness. It is necessary for human development.

To be noted: From Dante Alighieri (4) — He who sees a need and waits to be asked for help is as unkind as if he had refused it.

Just for fun: