Relationships are not easy

I am sure this is a widespread experience: we slowly begin to open our perceptual eyes at twenty or so and quickly realize that there are many other forms in the world — many relationships if you will. Some appear to be unconscious like rocks or mountains or the sky, and others animate — they scurry, jump, or move about. The beings that look like me are the most intimate and yet confusing. Whatever their presence, we quickly comprehend that everything is separate and distinct. Initially, a freshet of fear and loneliness is presented — it subsequently calms and then dissipates. The mature person accepts, “I am alone in the world.”

This is not the psychological trauma depicted in horror films or tragic novels, but a greatly liberating realization. All power lies within and is accessed through the five senses (our senses of sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing) and, of course, our sixth sense which connects us with God, Gaia, or the Universe. We are free to create the reality that we so desire but with the caveats — life isn’t easy, life is fickle and I am born with my own unique set of givens. (1)

We then set about to form relationships in our reality as we see it. This is not straightforward and maybe it is not supposed to be. It is in Plato’s Apology (38a5-6) that we hear Socrates (469-399 BC) say “The unexamined life is not worth living.” The concept of free will (2) is a tedious one and unpleasant to accept as true – though it is a veracious concept. When we fall in love, for example, we are presented with an interesting set of challenges. Falling in love is a lot like going to India. We hear a lot about it, but when we get there, it is totally different.

This is because it is my unique experience. At the onset, I may want to control and manipulate the situation and manage the relationship. I feel a sense of neediness — the frequent reassurance of our bond or a need for emotional support. One soon realizes in all developed relationships, however, that this is impossible. If some form of mutual accommodation is not achieved, the spiritual affinity that one feels for the other is fatally wounded. Why do upwards of 50% of all marriages end in divorce in some societies? (3)

But how does one learn? We go to school and are presented with individuals called teachers, but they are not real teachers. The parent, friend, or family member, is also not a teacher — who then? I have come to believe that the self is the only real teacher. That said, I must look for a mentor — a person who teaches me how to teach myself.

My mentor was my grandfather. In my life, he is the closest I have ever come to having a real connection with someone or something. He filled me with a sense of curiosity about life. When you entered his small, elegantly furnished home, you were struck by the scent of sandalwood. (4) I initially had no idea what the smell was, but you were transported somewhere. He imbued me with a desire for elegance and excellence in all my actions and with great humility for being given the gift of life – my life. So, firstly have a good relationship with yourself and then extend that respect and understanding to others. (Parts of this essay were first published in 2019)

The poet and philosopher, Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) leaves us with a thought: Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. (5)

A closing thought: I struggle with relationships all the time. Their interactions have taught me patience. When I see an erratic driver, a frustrated individual, or an angry partner, I realize that they do not perceive the freedom that they possess within. We are all imperfect beings. But, it is only inner freedom that can truly improve the kind of life we wish to live.

To sum up: This week, we spoke about individual responsibility in the face of the adversity of life.

To be noted: From Voltaire (6) — Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.

Just for fun: