We have all done things in life that we consider egregious, events that we would rather forget. However, you can’t. Your obligation, as a human being, is to make amends: go to the aggrieved party and give your apology, and give it sincerely. Now, many times, most times, in fact, your efforts will be rebuffed. The majority of people do not accept contrition easily. You are thus left with double the grief. The first being the realization that you have erred and the second torment is to have your pleas rebuffed. Your pain has no bounds.
Now comes the secret to existing as an integrated and successful human being: maturity of thought. There are some things that the universe and people will simply not forgive you for. Depending on the gravity of your actions, truly immoral actions will, in reality, never be forgiven. You cannot, most unfortunately, alter the past. An act was committed. That fact cannot be expunged. That being said, your task has been completed: you have proffered a sincere and truthful explanation. If forgiveness is not forthcoming, you must move on.
Self-improvement is an endless ladder extending to the heavens. As a changed human being, you must advance to the next rung – devoid of guilt and regrets. To remain in a culpable state will serve no one – neither you nor the affronted assembly, those who refused you. You must continue your life. If you do not, “you run the risk” of becoming one of those “shadows of men” who linger on the streets of many Western cities: forlorn and broken without a reason to live – and always with a “why,” or an excuse, to justify my lifestyle: the classic apology for failure. Forgiveness is a wide area of study. The first person who deserves to be forgiven is you. When we achieve consciousness at 18 or so, we are normally overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt. This sensation of “feeling accountable for being alive” grows over time as we mature. It is a sense of so-called existential guilt.
“This awareness of our existence as human beings also results in an existential and biological imperative to somehow ‘respond’ to the fact of our existence: this ‘ability to respond’ to existence is embodied in the existential principle of ‘responsibility.’ We thus have a responsibility to create a life (related directly to Frankl’s (1) concept of ‘creative’ sources of meaning — all the ways in which we derive meaning from creating a life, and becoming ‘who’ we strive to be in the world).
This responsibility to create a life involves creating a unique life (one only we could have lived — one authentic to us), and to live this life to its fullest potential, thus creating a life of meaning, purpose, direction, growth, and transformation, and becoming valued members of a culture and the world with meaning. Most, if not all of us, fail at this impossible task. Falling short of this responsibility leads to what existentialists describe as existential guilt, the notion that I could have done more, and that I missed opportunities or failed in some ways.”(2)
It is only with deep introspection and thought that you realize that you must throw off these, self-given, psychological shackles. In your striving, it is you who imposes artificial goals. You are like a parent who has original guilt, similar to original sin. (3) You never give enough, are patient enough, or loving enough – pure nonsense. Life is fickle and filled with vagaries. Your mission is to “strive,” and this is the requisite word, for excellence in your daily tasks. Action is sacrosanct – failure its bedfellow.
Those travails may result in great worldly accomplishments or they may languish in mediocrity. The point is your sincere effort. A life well-lived, to paraphrase the Dalia Lama, (4) is a committed one – you are dedicated to living it well – whatever the consequences. Speak with your personal God, ask for absolution, and set out on your mission. Your efforts will, ultimately, be rewarded. The great writer and theologian, C. S. Lewis (5) leaves us with a thought: I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.
A closing thought: We all feel a sense of personal responsibility for life. This only grows with age. The longer you live, the more you see the hollow shells of others. Misdeeds are justified by the false maxim, “I am too old to do that. I couldn’t do that at my age.” The truth is that the body does not fundamentally alter as you ripen. It becomes certainly less youthful, less attractive, but it remains much the same as in its earlier incarnation – though, of course, weaker. It is the mind and spirit that run free in the meadows of imagination and thought – if you so desire. And many do not. Do not be one of those naysayers. It will benefit no one, certainly not the self: gratitude for life, your life, is everything.
To sum up: This week, we spoke about self-forgiveness and the freedom it brings.
To be noted: from Leo F. Buscaglia (6) — Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.
Just for fun: Mozart | Clarinet quintet K581 in A major
For reflection: Socrates: Question Everything
This week on your introspective walk, please reflect on learning to forgive yourself.
Every day look for something magical and beautiful
Quote: Thank you, Lord: I am alive for one more day. What I do with this irreplaceable day is of my own doing.
Footnotes:
1) MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING BY VIKTOR FRANKL
2) Existential guilt and the fear of death
3) Original sin
4) Dalai Lama
5) C. S. Lewis